Home Is In My Head Now
You screwed his husband. That was poison fruit! You have released a snake into our garden! You have spat in the face of my hard work. You have summoned my soul with your perversion, your sickness … You are the burden I carry on my back as I make my way to salvation. You are my cross to bear. You are my original sin. You are pretty and stupid and you can’t make a living to save your life. What you have given me is our daughter, who can’t keep her knees together. I cannot wait until you meet your maker, I cannot wait until you are judged for your lies.
you know loss. you swirl saudades around in your mouth and it hurts like honey how long can ache remain sweet and you’ve whispered to your flesh to keep it tucked away and quiet beneath eyeliner and lipstick because you have work to do and busy women, we have work to do but sometimes, your spirit wants out and it spills your loss all over the bathroom floor at the office and you don’t know what pulls all the ocean out of your eyes and you walked around like a rain cloud full of a weighty grey sadness that wanted to drown the whole world but we busy women, we have so much to do so you did not fall apart but nova, your kinship with water hurts it hurts it was an ocean that took him away and maybe yesterday was a year to the day that you first met him and you said: “the first day I meet you, i’m just going to give you a big hug” and you felt silly doing all that flirting with a stranger that you’d never met and you could tell that all the girls flirt with him and all the girls want him and all the girls have tried but your heart, your heart just made room for him inside all of you and you waited for two years and when the ocean brought him to you, you took to the sky because cape town was where love would be waiting and you stayed up smoking cigarettes with azola and you both couldn’t believe that he had finally come and you were in the same city, god, he was up the road and he asked for you and you went to him and you got to the door at his 15 on orange suite and when he opened it and you were so caught up in wonder you didn’t realise that he hugged you first and you never saw his face you just saw his arms coming to overwhelm you and you knew then that it was love and you spent every hour of that week making love and you cherished him and you made magic at the edge of the world before the ocean came for him and settled him back into chicago’s fast winds and easy style and you cried for him when he took to the sky and you cried for him on the bathroom floor and made it ocean yesterday and your heart coaxed out a feeling that sounds a lot like chaka khan’s crescendo of “stay, lil’ valentine, stay” and it is a year to the day that you woke up in his arms and he thrust all his beautiful and brown inside of you and you saw all your children in his melanin all your love in his eyes and god, it was good. it was so good.
(c) King X Nova (Lebohang Masango) http://kingxnova.tumblr.com/
I don’t ask you to love me always like this, but I ask you to remember.
Somewhere inside me there’ll always be the person I am to-night.
I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation.
It was too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.