34 EXCUSES FOR WHY WE FAILED AT LOVE

“1. I’m lonely so I do lonely things
2. Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same.
3. You hate women, just like your father and his father, so it runs in your blood.
4. I was wandering the derelict car park of your heart looking for a ride home.
5. You’re a ghost town I’m too patriotic to leave.
6. I stay because you’re the beginning of the dream I want to remember.
7. I didn’t call him back because he likes his girls voiceless.
8. It’s not that he wants to be a liar; it’s just that he doesn’t know the truth.
9. I couldn’t love you, you were a small war.
10. We covered the smell of loss with jokes.
11. I didn’t want to fail at love like our parents.
12. You made the nomad in me build a house and stay.
13. I’m not a dog.
14. We were trying to prove our blood wrong.
15. I was still lonely so I did even lonelier things.
16. Yes, I’m insecure, but so was my mother and her mother.
17. No, he loves me he just makes me cry a lot.
18. He knows all of my secrets and still wants to kiss me.
19. You were too cruel to love for a long time.
20. It just didn’t work out.
21. My dad walked out one afternoon and never came back.
22. I can’t sleep because I can still taste him in my mouth.
23. I cut him out at the root, he was my favorite tree, rotting, threatening the foundations of my home.
24. The women in my family die waiting.
25. Because I didn’t want to die waiting for you.
26. I had to leave, I felt lonely when he held me.
27. You’re the song I rewind until I know all the words and I feel sick.
28. He sent me a text that said “I love you so bad.”
29. His heart wasn’t as beautiful as his smile
30. We emotionally manipulated one another until we thought it was love.
31. Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you.
32. I’m a lover without a lover.
33. I’m lovely and lonely.
34. I belong deeply to myself .”
― Warsan Shire

Things I Do When I Cannot Hold You

I buy all your favorite foods so I will be ready when you come home
because once I did this and you said “This is how I know you love
me.”

I go on long walks alone and think about a poem my friend wrote 
that goes ”This is how you die by distance.

I hum the sound of the dial tone under my breath.

I stare at my hands and wonder at their uses. I consider pawning
my thighs. I consider auctioning off my hip bones. I put my breasts in 
a box on the top shelf of the closet. I do not need them now.

I think of all the things I have to tell you when I will see you. 
Stories like:
I just found out pumpkins are technically fruits
and
Cary Grant’s first job was in a traveling circus
and
Most mammals are born able to walk and learn to run within minutes, so we are not crazy for moving so fast.

This morning I wrote your name in the steam on my mirror, even though I knew it would fade within minutes

In my best notebook I wrote “I miss you” ten thousand times.

I wrote “I think I am missing one of my ribs”

I wrote “I envy the way leaves know exactly when to fall from the branches and when to come back in the spring”

I wrote “Everyone else isn’t you. It turns out that’s a huge problem for me.”

-Things I Do When I Cannot Hold You

 

And you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room… and catch each other’s eyes…

I want this one moment. It’s – it’s what I want in a relationship… which might explain why I am single now. Ha, ha. It’s, uh – It’s kind of hard to – it’s that thing when you’re with someone… and you love them and they know it… and they love you and you know it… but it’s a party… and you’re both talking to other people… and you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room… and catch each other’s eyes… but – but not because you’re possessive… or it’s precisely sexual… but because… that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it’s this secret world… that exists right there… in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s – That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess. Love. — I sound stoned. I’m not stoned. — Thanks for dinner. Bye.” –

Meaningless Friendships

I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to not feel someone and fake the funk.
— Joquesse Eugenia –

Herinneringe

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Jou beeld is ‘n verflenterde foto

in ‘n skewe, versplinterde raam

en ‘n sestal geskommelde letters

spel jou tweelettergrepige naam.

 

Jou woorde is dor manuskripte

vir die motte bewaar op die rak

en ons dae ‘n kralesnoer syfers

op ‘n outydse muuralmanak.

 

Jou oë was die kleur van die aarde,

van saffier, van smarag of agaat,

en jou stem ‘n ontwykende deuntjie

gevange in ‘n stukkende plaat.

 

Vergete is die lag in jou oë

of die tranespoor oor jou wang,

maar soms in die nanag onthou ek

hoe diep ek na jou kon verlang.

 

Want wat ek vir altyd wou vashou,

het die tyd uit my hande laat gly

en wat ek so graag wou vergeet het,

is vir ewig gebalsem in my.

 

I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night.

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Yes, my consuming desire is to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, barroom regulars—to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording—all this is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always supposedly in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yes, God, I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night.